1st March, this is some text I originally had planned for the Nortubel completion post but instead, I figured it that a post about the game being finished shouldn't have this.
So instead, I made it seperate.
Chances are there stuff I should've clarified better or communicated better.
At some point, I thought of changing how things are around me.
One reason being because I want to “reinvent” myself even if it takes a while.
I want to justify the fact that I focus a lot of my mind on these ideas and projects.
Because besides the years I’ve been thinking about these characters and all, I’ve also been thinking about my life in general and where I could be.
A future version of myself that can only exist based on what actually happens.
There is so much I want to do with these characters and I can’t do it alone.
Meaning Project Nortubel is in a way a bit of an “intro” to a lot of stuff I want to use and expand on.
I found myself doing more gamedev at later parts of a day, mainly because it’s in other parts of the day I think I’ll have to do something important or busy, so I find myself waiting for a specific chore or activity before I do work.
I don’t have an actual gamedev schedule.
Lot of people tend to listen to music while they work, but you can’t do that if you expect to be interrupted.
I feel like the environment around me has to change.
Like part of me seeks some idea of “perfection” or else it’ll fall apart.
That feeling that there’s all kinds of rules anywhere and you know you have to follow them, but would like to at least select which ones (Some rules seem to clash).
As in “anything can be true anywhere else, therefore it’s true tomorrow so nevermind the fact I did something stupid today”.
I worry about some minor details, so others worry about other details.
I definitely want order, some form of “objective truths” because I don’t deny some of the same concepts as everyone else.
Guess I just want things to “be done the right way”.
Lots of things are results of stuff that came prior, therefore some things should’ve been thought out earlier.
There can be lots of debates about “objective truths” as it reaches pseudo intellectual nonsense.
But I like to think that, depending on what changes, I could stop some of my mistakes and bad habits.
Because sometimes, a way to fix problems is to start all over, some sort of “reboot”.
I associate some of my flaws and current self with my current situation and environment: “All the things that happened here are part of this place” therefore a new environment must be defined in a different way.
Or maybe I’m looking for excuses.
I’m lookin for a way to be in control, to “write” where the story goes and not feel like a character in someone else’s story.
If I’m missing something, just tell me and then I’ll see what I can do with it.
It almost feels like an environment where you can’t tell what happens next.
Plans change and there’s no agreement on something, so it’s like “sure I guess”.
It gets unpredictable at times, even if a plan was seemingly agreed on, so nobody’s on the same page.
To change things up, you’d obviously go “piece by piece” but because of the “overdefined” aspect, you almost feel like you want more than one thing gone at a time.
Anything can be a piece of information about you, therefore an extra chain connected to you.
The change has to be fast and severe because otherwise, doing things slowly leads to the risk of returning to bad habits.
Any object around you has context, you’re in a long bible written in a language you don’t quite get.
You get caught up in a situation that is someone else’s like getting dragged to someone else’s story.
Lots of hypocrisies, logical fallacies and cognitive dissonances.
Some have an easier time pointing out ones of others first than the others.
Sometimes, they tell you things you sort of already know like it was new.
Hammering down nails that were already put to frame.
Which one matters, the message or the messenger?
Maybe I was waiting for something this whole time, like the right moment.
Perhaps reaching a status where I got “nothing to lose”, because I can’t lose it.
Holding down on being truly honest while surrounded by dogs that know how to bark but barely do they bite.
Maybe the thing I was waiting for is something I was actually putting on delay.
Even if someone is technically right, they only know half the story.
You probably have the other half but lost it.
As time passes, a lot of things go unrecorded as if the solution was to list everything in a checklist and use that to fix everything.
But the opportunities have passed.
Start a book at page 27 because the others were missing, so might as well pick up a different book.
Changing a frame of a painting many times before considering whether or not to even keep that painting.
It’s like human brains really are like computers in that “memory space” is an actual thing and you feel like deleting files for space.
I see myself with horse blinders in how focused I am on certain things.
Maybe I’m afraid of various things, hence I spend a little too much time on virtual worlds, be it mine or someone else’s.
Part of a generation even I criticize and claim to avoid certain trends and phenomenons related to it.
Some factory built this car but forgot some parts.
Maybe my flaws come from somewhere, could be a place or a person.
Anyone’s to blame, some more than others.
Either way, things have to change if I want to keep this train coming.
I also want to make sure that, as I change, certain things about me like certain goals and interests are still kept.
Because I do fear growing out of things I still like today.
Something I get over conscious about, specially with the amount of people you see over the years and you find out an old video someone made is gone, even though there was nothing technically wrong with it.
And in an age where people seem to conform to one environment or another, adopting specific archetypes of a “personality” to coexist with others.
What plans I have, may go against someone else’s.
I feel like I’m wearing different masks but one will have to become real over the others.
Someone will say they got me into making games but it’s probably the same that says videogames are evil toys rotting people’s brains.
I have a need to cut the fat weighing me down.
When I do things I know are weird, I wonder if explaining them makes the situation worse.
Or if I see someone else do something weird and whether or not I should warn them of something, again, by telling something that makes the whole thing more awkward.
Correlates with moments I feel like I know something might be wrong and I try to brush it off.
And sometimes, still try to “fix it” in an odd way at the same time.
Human beings aren’t cartoon characters, so you know some people have one or two traits that is unlike others, but you can end up sitting in a fence for too long.
I tend to be (Or maybe pretend to) neutral over things that should be more personal/closer.
Because empathy starts from a place, but to me, that place makes things more confusing and alien.
I feel like if I don’t end up being the best of me, I could end up as the worst.
Maybe there’s also a factor of “the others know better, they could take care of this” or what’s the “means to an end”.
You view everything as “pieces”, you dehumanize others, you can’t even believe this “everything is just a piece” idea when it can go against you since everyone has a sacred cow.
An environment that controls you before you control it.
After some recent news (December 2024), my first thought was “one less chain”.
I’m not even sure if I managed to say this as I want to, because the context of a message still comes second to the delivery.
Not even sure if anyone has read this to the end or deciphered the hieroglyphs.
I know a specific group of people should get this.
I do know people that get annoyed at the misfortunes of others, because of how it could affect them personally. As if it’s also their situation.
I even feel bad when I receive gifts sometimes because it almost comes off as others “redefining” me, like someone saying “this is who you are”.
I fear I could be some weird psycho like Steve Jobs.
Fear of fighting back in case it backfires, not sure if I know myself that well.
I like when events happen in straight lines, not bumpy roads.
I hate the idea of regretting because of when something convenient happens: Do the ends justify the means?
Following a rule just means you break another: There’s no winning.
Maybe there’s a feedback loop based on this “chicken or egg” phenomenon of “I do a wrong thing because of the environment or it’s my actions that make the environment wrong”.
Something I want the most is to have my own apartment with its own furniture, schedule and “rules”.
I’d even decorate walls with white boards with important stuff written on them and maybe I’ll even have to draw texts reminding me of stuff on plain white furniture and stuff.
Something with almost no “decoration”, maybe not even family photos.
As in, trying to be “objective” so much you almost ditch personality entirely.
No furniture from family, no decoration, no photos, no pets, no plants etc.
All while adding generic IKEA objects.
But you think of stuff like objects you own, or that you supposedly own, relations, responsibilities, anything to do with you and it’s like your ecological footprint: Something that’s big and a part of you.
As if you’re carrying a huge weight that occupies space and the weight even impacts others.
Maybe I’m viewing human things in a “technical” sense and not a human one.
Like treating sympathy as a “strategy” or “transaction” like I’m buying something and giving money to the store clerk.
You know that clip from Malcolm In The Middle where Hal tries to replace a light bulb but instead, he gets wrapped in different chores as if they’re all connected?
Life can be like that but with OCD, it involves very specific things nobody should care about.
Honestly, I think not even my own family knows exactly what happens in the house or how the house works.
Think of the things YOU don’t know about, in your own home.
You were never in control.
Maybe people are busy with lots of things, there’s stuff they don’t care about.
So one ends up caring about that stuff instead.
Perhaps the concept of "personality" is why humans will never be truly "objective".
Because in theory, you could declare so many things "useless" and limit humans to one or two interests.
Basically, something like whatever Pol Pot tried to put on people but different; Maybe you'd still call yourself "I" instead of "We".
There could be some theories that humans evolved to not stick with family for very long.
Like how in those nature documentaries, you have cases of hippopotamuses eating their young.
Honestly, I can see why some people hate the idea of life experiences even if unknowingly.
Because life technically defines who you are.
People "develop" and that includes going through stuff.
So some people have this backwards view where life is this entity that dictates who you should be, while the internet offers opportunities.
Which is ironic because most people online borrow less legit personalities and even think "you can either be one thing or another", which is relevant in the current sociopolitical context.
And even in real life, some people can surpass the impact of a real event; Whereas online, people do a terrible job at overcoming a "phase".
See: Troll's Remorse.
Guess some of the stuff I wrote about certain people comes from a place of "that could've been me" sometimes.
Sometimes I wonder who I'd be without my projects.
(Even worse: What if what prevents you from doing something stupid is not empathy but rather a personal sacred cow?)
I feel like I've seen/heard a lot of moments where someone was supposed to reach a breaking point but nothing actually happens.
Often even think "just do it" like an audience in some sport more excited for whenever there's an accident.
The legacy of most of these deceased relatives tends to be all of the furniture and stuff we kept from them: So if you get annoyed at the amount of furniture or think of any of these inconveniences, it's like you're upset at people that aren't with you anymore.
In your head, you start cursing their names as if they're attacking you personally, accusing someone of actions they didn't commit.
Family heritage feels less like a privilege and more like a recurring curse at times.
Maybe I also barely talked about my annoyances and issues because of the fact that other people have it worse, sometimes much worse.
Sometimes, I try to avoid regret as a concept.
Because I already see thing as "the way they are because everything is connected" and maybe think of how there's always a chance for something good to happen or the right time for me to do something (Bad for a procrastinator)
Because when I do think of regrets, it's less of a "I wish I knew then what I know now" and more of a "I already knew, I just didn't think things were right enough for me to do stuff that way".
Like I was waiting for stars to align or something.
Maybe the way I view family as a concept is how some people view marriage.
So in a way, living away from family is equivalent to a divorce.
Even if you complain about something or take notice, someone would still complain in a "oh, so NOW you notice it" way, so you can't really please anyone.
If you go with a "don't talk about stuff you don't really know about", that could include stuff meant to be close like your family.
I’ve definitely had some awful ideas about what I could do to leave a permanent impact.
And it’s a bad thing to do.
Because I’ve also been thinking: The death of a family is a tragic thing.
Like those news about entire families dying in fires or car accidents and you wonder “who will mourn for them?”.
Friends are a thing, but there’s something about not having anyone else with ties left being there to carry your memories.
Even if it depends on the family but still.
Sometimes, people have programs that I don’t end up joining because of specific reasons, even when I don’t really have much to lose, or because I didn’t prepare for the situation.
Despite this, I don’t think I’ve ever been suicidal. Maybe because I always thought I had something to lose.
At least recently because of my creative projects, that’s probably why I wanna keep going, because I wanna keep making stuff.
But I know people that thought about suicide.
The kind of people that thought of death as their only solution.
This is something you should take more seriously because it’s not enough to say “you have so much to live for”.
You have to understand exactly why they feel this way, you must find the source of the problem.
Even if you end up making discoveries you didn’t want to make.
Going back to how the environment can shape a person, I do get picky over stuff like smells and especially when there’s construction places and houses close to roads.
A lot of stuff can sound too close to conspiracy theory material but there are moments where I think “of course I’m dumb, look at the stuff that’s literally in the air”.
It’s not even “the government”, just people doing things according to a sequence of events and it turns out it has massive downsides, bad enough to lower the IQ population.
If I don't respond to someone during some debate, it's not because they're right: It's moreso because I just can't find the right time or words for the occasion.
So many things I could've said but were never said.
Fun fact about Portuguese: Let's say we have different versions of "you".
“Tú”, “você” and “vocês”.
At least 2 apply to a single person and the third one to multiple.
Have you ever had a situation where someone says you in a plural sense and you know they should say it in a singular one?
Especially if you feel like you’re being dragged to something you have nothing to do with.
Sometimes it's like: If the truth matters so much, it matters even when not said.
Because we humans aren't above all and are just some advanced animal compared to other animals.
But if we value truth by how much we know about it, then suddenly we are special and very significant.
The concept of personal point of view and life experiences can't really be that important if you still believe that humans are just some accident caused by evolution.
Everything is just math.
Odd number + odd number = even number.
Even number + even number = even number.
But even number + odd number = odd number.
I do want to say: If I ever do something genuinely stupid, I want it to be the only time ever.
The things that not even autism and OCD can justify.
I also realize at times that I have to grow, even if I want to make sure it only applies to some parts of me as a person.
I don’t want to reach a point where I can realize some projects I want to make for so long only to think “wait a minute, I don’t like this anymore”.
Because with my ideas, I set up a concept of a large project revolving around variety and different things.
I feel like I’ve seen so many people get Troll’s Remorse or become washed out, I want to make sure I keep some parts of myself.
I either care about things too much or don’t at all.
And I supposedly only care for them because of the situation I’m in.
Someone else carries about this, so it’s their business.
I don't know everything but sometimes, the "harsh truths" I keep hearing about tends to be stuff I already know or thought of.
Maybe that's why I don't really think George Carlin was that special.
Tell me something new already.
Sometimes, I do think there should be a notion of "let's agree to disagree".
Just to make both parties happy.
Don't know what else do add.
Other than I hope things get better because I don't want to quit the stuff I like.
I do like to think I can learn things and improve myself.
Not like I ever thought of realistically being a Portuguese Chris Chan but still.
People should get that CWC might as well be notorious because most autists aren't like that.
By the end of 2025, Hirdrih Technologic could at least be half of a game.
Maybe take 2 years like Nortubel did.
Edit 1: Had a rather "meh" birthday.
Probably because I wanted something to happen but the plans were foiled.
What can I add that I didn't add here? Maybe the fact that I don't mind having a "boring" life if it's at least a simple, functional one?
Like, I don't mind "nothing happening" if that includes annoying shit.
One thing is being interesting enough to create interesting stuff.
But I don't want to "be a character" if you get what I'm saying.
(At least not know, I want shit figured out before I can evolve my character):
Maybe it's because I live in a place with neighbors and old people gossiping all time.
(What's that saying? Shit attracts flies?).
Edit 3?:
Did I already said something in the vain of “I don’t deny the same concepts as everyone else, I just need a good enough order of events and settings” yet?
Like basically: ANYTHING is a “concept”:
A piece of furniture, an opinion, a thought, a moment etc.
I accept some of those concepts like everyone else, just want the right order of events.
Let me write the story.
And as someone with OCD, let me clarify 2 things:
There’s intrusive thoughts and then there’s corrective thoughts.
Intrusives thoughts are those you know are bad but keep coming up.
Sometimes out of habit, other times because of “associations”.
Associations like “I just saw a poster for something in a wall and am suddenly reminded of an awkward moment I wanted to memory hole”.
Even when 2 things seem unrelated, like a complete segway.
Sometimes, bad thoughts show up as if you were doing the equivalent to repeatedly putting your hands on a hot stove, just to remind yourself it’s hot and it hurts.
Corrective thoughts are used to fight these intrusive thoughts.
If you have a bad thought, you correct your mind by using corrective thoughts.
Sometimes, certain specific thoughts are used, depending on the situation like using different shaped keys for different keyholes.
And my mind is already like a TV that can’t be turned off, you can only switch the channel (And sometimes, the channels switch on their own).
Maybe I did thought of really bad things but let's be real: Even you reading this had the same.
Nobody is Mister Rogers, everyone thought of doing bad things even if they never did in their lifetime.
In a way, that’s why art is used to explore bad things.
Lots of good art comes from weird people, like it’s a mandatory feature.
But it’s also because mental illness isn’t some college aged Tumblr girl talking about headmates, it’s never “cutesy” or TedTalk appropriate.
And after making this post, I bet some people expect me to kill someone or do the Euro equivalent to a Randy Stair ro Elliot Rogers (Because we got no guns here).
If anything, losing your mind is what the enemy wants.
Everyone loves the "local lolcow/incel/autist etc goes apeshit, what was it? Videogames? Sex? The evil hacker knows as 4chan?" articles.
But I'm surprised Tom Fulp (AKA the creator of this website) even responded to this at all.
Edit 4:
Still haven't shown this to my family.
Maybe I don't trust anyone to know how I feel because they might do something in return.
As if I'm about to take down a card house.
To me it's less of a coward thing and more of a "I don't trust you to take me seriously" thing.
Then again, someone else in the family says very harsh things but nothing much happens.
Is it what I said about "talk the talk, walk the walk" where only one half happens?
EDIT 5:
A way I thought of ruining my family was to think of horrible things to say.
And even if I haven't sait it yet, I think admitting thinking about it seems very close.
Because even if words aren't the same as actual action, they are a way of delivering ideas, regardless of how you say things.
You can't really say "I was going to call you an X but I didn't" because that is close enough to actually caliing someone the word you thought.
I honestly think if there is a genuine toxic environment, everyone is to blame in some way or another.
EDIT 6:
I feel like I'm surrounded by people that want to point out the elephant in the room, "everyone, we have to talk" but the elephant still remains.
I'm probably the one that criticizes others the least, barely insults anyone.
And why would I?
The fact that things are still the way they are makes it seem like nobody wants to get rid of the elephant in the room to begin with.
Am I a coward or am I just the least hypocritical?
When everyone wants to be "the voice of reason", nobody is.
It's like a humiliation ritual.
Or maybe I'm secretly taking advantage of this.
"As long as nobody changes the status quo and things remain the same, maybe I don't have to put much effort either".
Everyone contributed to this blackhole of nothingness, I just "pointed it out" less than others because why talk if you won't walk?
Why mock others when they're mocking themselves?
Remember: Offensive is TAKEN, not GIVEN.
And here's a story with 3 characters: Let's call them Moe, Larry and Curly.
Moe and Larry are talking about Curly.
Moe says to Larry "I'm going to tell Curly that he loved that horrible thing that happened to him and that's why he likes to suffer".
Larry says "I don't believe it happened, though".
And it got me thinking: Even if the horrible thing never happened to Curly, isn't it still horrible for Moe to use the supposed horrible thing against Curly?
Like rubbing salt on an exposed wound?
"It never happened" is not even the point, the mere idea of the statement is like a mean gesture.
It already says something about Moe's character that even Moe should feel bad for.
Even going as far as "I bet dad is the one that did it".
Yes, those names are from the 3 Stooges but I'm using them as replacement for other people.
Try to guess who they actually are and the actual topic in question.
EDIT 7:
My problem isn't life being boring, it's life being illogical at least to me.
I don't mind boredom if there's still a clear sense of logic around me.
Like a simple line you can follow from point A to point B; I just want pure control over everything around me.
I spend a lot of time on the computer, but because I'd rather put my complications behind a screen, while the real world could be simple.
I see people in real life changing plans, wanting to be part of specific events/moments, putting more objects in their home and getting a lot of contacts with other people that have their own baggage.
And the same people complain about things being messy and complicated.
Sometimes they complain when a plan goes wrong or over a decision that could've been easily prevented.
Or about the amount of objects at home and how disorganized it is.
Or even when they get annoyed by other people because of stuff happening to them, as if they're being dragged to someone else's story.
Sometimes, I feel like an actor being dragged to someone else's story, that I don't have a fitting role in and then someone gets upset I didn't play the part right.
I get unsure of what I can do when even decisions that sound correcto on paper still upset someone or have a side effect.
Hard to figure out what is the right thing to do if all paths lead to inconveniences.
I occasionally feel uncomfortable at my own house, like nobody knows what the rules are.
I'm not even sure if my own house is worth fixing because I'd rather put effort into a new one, even if that's a pipe dream on its own.
Like some of my family have plans for constructions and moving around stuff, which will keep happening until the end of time.
At some point, that has to stop and the goal should be to start again at zero.
Any time I say "yeah I'm fine" it's just to save time: I'm not that fine.
I always feel tired and it can be various things.
OCD, tics, intrusive thoughts, some bad habits, even outright bad thoughts that I sometimes explore in my mind.
Feel so tired I barely talk as if I can't talk.
Would rather save my energy on my projects.
I barely shout at others and barely criticize other people.
This house is like a series of pieces that don't match together.
Nobody understands their own house.
Because we don't truly know what happens at home, there's a chance we already got dog piss in our bodies and areas nobody checked.
I reached a point where in my mind, I curse the names of dead relatives.
Even insult them.
Like family is just shared genes and DNA; Tiny invisible things we barely see outside a microscope.
If anything, it's more offensive to hurt a stranger because they have nothing to do with your drama that should be personal.
If a piece of furniture is broken, let it stay that way, don't fix it: All that money and effort should be used for something else.
If I must learn how to drive, I won't walk the dogs again.
If I must have a real job, I'm not gonna move furniture again.
If I must behave properly, I wanna have a different house.
And I'm also not looking forward inheriting a large farm that's going to be burned by gypsies to begin with: Let them have it.
It's all this shit about inheritance and family legacy that drives everyone insane anyway.
I instead made by own legacy, just my thing.
One day, you'll have to choose between being more practical and remembering the names of various dead relatives.
A family photo is not as useful as a toothbrush or broom.
This house has a problem where someone goes "here's a new rule" but the rule is never followd and established.
Or when something gets lost and nobody knows where it is, like a bag because we're thinking of other things and so much happens in the house.
I have an uncle that still lives in his parents' house and he's surrounded by old stuff and has dogs in it.
A lot of stuff that should be family legacy is rotting away.
Maybe that's why I prefer to not carry over old furniture.
Would rather make my legacy instead of staining someone else's.
Or else that stuff rots with you.
It holds you back.
I see family members argue about who gets to keep what and in my mind I think: "Go ahead and keep that shit because it's killing you.
It's a curse you're accepting. A prison you've built around yourself.
You miss those people so much, might as well bury yourself with them.
Kiss their corpses like that one video of the deaf guy kissing his grandma.
Like slaves proud of being slaves and refusing to break their shackles."
To me, the idea of owning many objects is like being a giant that can't control his own size.
Or someone having a lot of extra organs they have to manage: When you should be just lungs, brain, stomath, liver, heart etc all those organs that make sense.
You feel "tied" to extra stuff, even if you don't care about most toys from your childhood anymore.
The mere idea of connections and relations annoy me, like it affects your mere identity.
You're born in this world with a premade profile someone made about you.
Maybe I'll regret this post and probably lied about all of this.
Just hope things change.
